I’ve been so proud of myself for writing every single day. I have to admit that on days like today where I have no sex to talk about and no major issues to divulge, it seems silly to even open the computer, but write I must.
Choosing to write everyday is like choosing to make love everyday. It’s deciding what you want and keeping your eye on the ball, staying focused, and not letting the fear of imperfection sway you. Inaction is the only thing that will now disappoint me, and that happens when I fail to limit distractions and reach my goals. I’m determined that consistency is a skill I must build.
Instead of having our usual Friday date night last night, my husband and I had individual plans. My girlfriends and I get together once a month over food and wine to chit chat and catch up. It’s a book club of sorts, although I’m quite sure I’m the only woman who actually reads every single book.
When I got home, I noticed the boys compromised on pizza for dinner and each went his own way for evening entertainment. One was in his room on his phone, another was in the computer room on his xbox, and my husband was sprawled out in bed watching videos on Facebook.
Generally I’d rush in there chipper and enegetic to catch him before he dozes off and give him the low down on the evening gossip. Then I’d switch into lingerie and use the rest of his energy for making love.
Last night, I wasn’t in the mood for hunting him down. It occurred to me how little he actually pursues me to connect, which means I generally concern myself with his whereabouts and not the other way around. Maybe this truth added into my frustration from last weekend, maybe I realized the imbalance for what it really was.
I wasn’t mad, though just thoughtful. A crazy person thinks they can change someone else. An intelligent person understands they can only change themselves. Over time I see where I have grown to be more of the “support” system around the home, worrying through what everyone is eating, wearing, doing, etc. I’m there for them when they need me, but as you learned the other night, they don’t consciously concern themselves with pleasing me.
In order for me to reach my personal goals and have energy to spare for the things that truly matter, I have to set new boundaries for myself. And in these new boundaries, my husband will have to be just as responsibility for connecting with me as I am with him. I’m going to have to say no to always being available. My beautiful, goddess presence is a gift, not a given.
I see how the two concepts might seem unrelated. But last night, when I came back from the book club evening, I really wanted to watch TV with my son and connect with him. That’s what Stella wanted, and while I was fine making love to my husband, even anticipating it, my husband was going to have to either join the TV watch party or wait for the show to be over.
The truth is, when I arrived, my husband was in bed doing what he wanted to do and didn’t even consider getting up to come find me and ask about the party. That tiny insight says so much about the roles of our relationship at this very moment. Angry I am not, not at all, but aware I am.
And if I’ve been feeling lost over the last 18 months, unsure of who I am and what I’m here for, it’s because of that very habit I’ve fallen into… the habit of being there constantly, making our happy marriage, our happy family my job.
It’s funny how unhealthy habits can form so slowly that you barely even notice the change. My husband used to drive to visit me every single night when we were dating, dropping everything else to travel an hour on the interstate just to see my face and maybe get laid.
In the beginning of our marriage, I used to do less around the home and more for my career. He never expected me to make him sandwiches or smoothies or wash his dirty laundry. The truth is, I just wasn’t always there.
Over time I changed and he did too. He became more of who he is while I became less of who I am. I morphed to meet my unrealistic expectation of the superwoman I should be and ended up given up the gifts and boundaries that make me so unique.
Relationships are interesting like that, but they aren’t set in stone. Luckily for me, I have the confidence to change the course and alter anything. I have the faith that being myself fully will make our relationship better, not worse. My husband doesn’t know it yet, but the new Stella is slowly rising out of this cocoon and back into her own.