I fingered myself as I waited for him to come to bed.
My nails are longer than usual which made the penetration a bit uncomfortable. Like a bull in a China shop, rigid nails feel out of place in my squishy pussy. I realized then that I generally keep them short so as to not mess with my clit rubbing motion. But this “no clit lent” has allowed my nails to get longer, more beautiful and feminine, and I like it a lot. A lot, a lot in fact. I told my husband this when he was fingering me.
It’s the little things that make sex tantalizing, like realizing his strong thicker fingers with short fingernails feel much better inside of me than my own. “Your fingers are made for me and mine are made for you,” I whimpered. “My hands and nails work great on your dick, don’t they? And they look so sexy too.”
Lifting up from between my legs he agreed and went back to work bringing my body to life. He was licking my clit, something I didn’t really want, but I said nothing. Letting go and staying present is a challenge for me especially when I’m trying to control everything, even my own lack of sensation.
I made a pact with myself yet again that I am giving myself to my husband today and always and will bring my vulnerability and openness to our bedroom. I will no longer tell him how to pleasure me or not. My body is his to conquer.
Of course that means communicating what I like and what I don’t like, as in, what feels good and what doesn’t. But feelings and plans aren’t the same thing. My husband knows my preference to not use my clit to cum, so I’m going to trust that he will pleasure me in whatever way feels right to him.
This is a journey, not a destination, a journey of a 1000 let go moments. I believe I can re-train my body to orgasm from within, relying on my clit less and less. I decided in that moment I’d let my nails grow out even longer, maybe more than an inch over my finger tips. Nails say a lot about a woman, what she does and doesn’t do. I never before related them to my orgasms but now it seems so freakin’ obvious.
Our sex was different, deeper and more meaningful. When he finally penetrated my pussy, he reach down to the depths of her goodness and rested there for a while pulsing in his contentment. I concentrated on the sensation, opening up, and letting go of my plans. It’s amazing how often I need to remind myself of these things.
Oh, is that going to make me cum? Maybe if he moved a little to the left, went deeper or slowed down. I like it like that. How long will it take? Ok, now it’s gone.
These are the thoughts of a woman trying to control the moment. These are the thoughts of a woman who conquers herself and teaches her lover what to do. These are the thoughts of a woman who gets only what she asks for and not a smidgen more. These are the thoughts that keep sex in a tidy box and a deeper more satisfying release so far away from her.
Feel his dick. Feel the movement. Feel your pussy. Feel your legs. Feel. Feel. Feel. Nothing else needs to happen. Just feel, feel what’s happening inside of your body.
He raised my legs to my elbows and dug deeper into me grinding his entire body on mine. This felt amazing and I said so. So he continued until he decided to do something else. The feeling let up and left, and I felt disheartened aching to tell him to go back and do that again. I could cum like that!
I resisted the urge, dear reader, you’d be so proud. I realized it was a position that has brought me to a climax before mainly because his body is rubbing up against my clit. I wanted to cum, yes, and I’d cum like that if he kept doing it, but I have to let go of steering the ship and rowing the boat. I have to let my husband, my lover, my master figure out how to make me orgasm using his own ideas, skills, positions and techniques. My job is to lay back, relax, feel and tell him what I like and don’t like. The rest is up to him. Fuck, this is tough thing.
He pulled me to the edge of the bed. I felt annoyed then corrected it. Feel, Stella! This isn’t about an outcome. Enjoy the ride you’re on, enjoy all of the energy your husband is putting into pleasing you. He’s finding his own way. Let him. Let go. Let your orgasm come whenever it does from an open, uncontrolled place.
He propped my pussy up with a pillow and slipped himself inside moaning the entire time. All of this thinking about myself, I didn’t even notice what was going on within him. My lover was on cloud nine somewhere between heaven and nirvana and ultimate zin. “Your pussy never felt so good, Stella. She’s all puffed up and juicy. You are so wet and alive. Fuck you’re the sexiest woman in the world. You are mine, all mine, my queen. I own you. I control you. Give yourself to me, my little tight whore pussy.” His words were calm and assured.
He pushed down on my lower abdomen which gave me a yummy sensation inside. It added friction to something, and I felt like I had to pee. Feel, Stella, and push out. Don’t hold it in, let it out. My legs widened and his dick felt like a drug. “I love your big dick. I need a big dick. I need you, my king,” I chanted.
“I love that about you. You do need a big dick, don’t ya? Whores love big dicks.” He said pushing deep in me.
His trusts were strong but controlled and for a split second I thought I was going to cum. Oh my God. Oh my God. Is this really going to happen? And then it vanished, like a thief in the night. My desperation scared it away.
I slipped down to the floor and gobbled his dick in my mouth. Worshipping him feels like the most natural thing in the world, so I do it as often as I can, wrapping my manicured fingers tightly around his dick and licking expectantly on the tip. He watched with grand pride as he slid in and out of my other lips deep throating me in his stride.
We switched positions again. I climbed on top and pumped his dick silly for awhile. My rhythm was stable and he felt like a strong stallion underneath sucking on my breasts and panting in my ears. He held me tight and chanted, “I own you. You’re mine, all mine. I control you. Give yourself to me.”
My pussy was on fire. Nothing in the world felt better.
He turned me around and asked me to put my butt in the air. I did, arching my back to oblivion and listening to his reaction. “Fuck, I could cum in two seconds just looking at your pussy right now. That’s a horny pussy, a well-fucked pussy, the best pussy in the world. I could make a lot of money selling this pussy.”
My back didn’t like the position very long so we move to the edge of the bed once again. I didn’t know what it was or how long we’d been at it. Part of letting go of control is deciding to ignore it. Making love will take as long as it takes and I don’t care if I’m tired tomorrow. That’ll just make me more relaxed and better to fuck. I can always nap if I want… Stella, stop thinking! Feel.
The pillow again and then the hand. He massaged my clit a little in the process.
I perched my legs up and open and let him dive into my body deeper than he’d gone all night. A strange sensation was building, and it had nothing to do with my clit. As my husband stroked my body deeper, faster, slower and with more vigor, I concentrated on it.
It grew and was permeating my entire body with a light dusting of radiance. It felt like a mild pain killer elevating my state from reality to a dream intoxicating me with its persistence. The beat of the pounding was hypnotic rocking me into submission.
“I could make love to you all night, Stella. I love every moment of this,” he said, and he meant it.
It is I who is always in a rush to finish. Not being in control forces me to surrender to whatever happens. I think I kinda like this.
He was getting close to cumming, a thought that forced me out of my relaxed state and back to reality, where I concern myself with whether or not there’s enough time for me to climax. The feeling subsided as if my design signaling to me to relax again. It’s definitely not going to happen if I’m worried about it.
Back to my body, I decided to not care. Stay here. Feel your pussy. Feel his pleasure. Open yourself to him. Release if you want and if you can. But stay here. Stay present. Stay in your body.
My pussy opened as wide as I think she’s ever been relaxing into the joy of the moment waiting to mix her pleasure with his. Wait! Is my cervix opening up? Can I get pregnant like this? Fuck these thoughts aren’t helping me…. Relax, Stella, and feel your goddess.
When he released his cum inside of me, the world shook. I could hear sloppy wetness and grunts, but I felt a way I’ve never felt before. It’s there. It’s coming. My pussy is opening up. My goddess is learning to receive.
She didn’t climax then, but I know she can and will some day soon. As much as I want to control it and make it happen now, I know the gift I’m receiving while I trust and wait will pay back with interest all of my orgasms delayed.